Reconstruction
Fever.

It has finally arrived, though I tried my best avoiding it (by avoiding people). I’m pretty sick while writing this, and my temperature is on the rise, so if this comes out as a challenging read (well, more than usual), blame it on the delirious mind of a man, battling away an illness inflicted on me by my fellow, filthy human beings. You lot.

The Subject.

I’ve given this a bit of thought in recent weeks and months, maybe years even, while on the search of some fulfilling meaning to my existence, though still short-lived, to experience something natural, hopefully inevitable and honest.
I am an honest person. I say what I mean to say and mean it when I say it (I think I got that right). Sure I lie sometimes, but not for my advantage. It has that almost inevitable outcome to turn upside down, to a disadvantage and bring you and/or someone else down. But this is not about that.

What I’m trying to say, is about finding a relationship that is worthy of the time and the input of emotions. And that the relationship is in the right moment. Every relationship is worthy of input, don’t get me wrong, but some are just not worth the time. It could be because the time was initially wrong, or that the time in some point got lost. In time.

When you share your life with someone, it of course has the ability, maybe the possibility to be magical, or natural. Call it whatever you want. But it could always come with a burden. The burden of games.
Mind games.
Word games.
You could give it any name. You rarely can escape them. They could be there from day one, or after a while, but to avoid them is a tricky thing.

Every relationship will have a rough spot, a bump in the road, that tests the two persons ability to grow over that, quite possibly meaningless, irrelevant exchange of acts of taking ‘dominance’. She didn’t like your music taste? Educate her why you find acoustic, folk based melodies compelling. You don’t like his cooking? Show him how to mix the spices (just like his mom. You know you were thinking it). Share the hurdles, teach how to get over them. He/She can’t and maybe won’t figure it out by himself/herself.
Why make it a game?

Who’s the winner? The ones with the smug smile on their face? Or the one who turned out to like Bob Dylan after all, although she thinks Dylan still can’t sing properly, he sure can write a song.

This is what I have been searching for. No bullshit. That both parties know what is going on in that exact moment. No hidden agenda. No uneasy thoughts. Even silence can give away the truth of the situation. Body language. Eyes. Touch…

Relationship or not. Short term or long term. It is about respect. Making it clear, so that the other won’t be left in wonder. If you think you had a one night thing and the next day there is a friend request on Facebook, you brought it on yourself. Do I sound too cynical? Or maybe a bastard? Wait just one moment…

What is so wrong about sharing that sense of desire and heat? The moment when you just let it go and feel the other person. We cripple our humanity with these unwritten pacts about ‘correct behavior’. You can decide about the future afterwards, together. As adults. Because before that, everything is just natural. It should be just natural. We all need fondness and attention. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. It might be the best night you ever had, but it could be just that night. One night. Nothing more.

Because it might not be the right moment tomorrow.